First Kilmessian Conflict
The '''First Kilmessian Conflict '''was a war fought between the Navan Republic and the Archduchy of Kilmessan in Bective and on the Theocracy townland of Kilcooly. As a result, Spazz Matticus brought the entirety of his forces (himself and five men) to the field and the battle became a three-pronged conflict. The battle lasted from the afternoon of the 5th June 2018 till midnight. Background There had been a lot of animosity between the Archduchy and the Republic since the latter's formation in 2015. The Republic was granted the townland of Bective by the Dáil Éireann which included Agrippa Cumley's Bective Palace, forcing him to rule Kilmessan from his council estate housing (which was also called the Bective Palace). He was unable to reclaim the area without approval or hostility from the Irish Government, depending on whether he used diplomacy or military force. This is what drove him to create Project No Homies, which is speculated to have ultimately caused The Apocalypse. The Irish Government's jurisdiction shrunk to control only of Dublin City afterwards, and Cumley was free to enact his plans. Cumley planned to move his forces through the USA townland of Tara for a direct attack on Navan, but first required permission from Bignose the Caveman to move his troops through the area. To this end his sent Keith the Advisor and a band of his riders. Negotiations broke down and Bignose almost killed Keith with his Power Word: OBUNGA Punch. Cumley was aware of Bignose's exploits on the 2nd exit off the M3 and decided he would instead send his troops through Kilcooly to reach Bective and conquer it. Pierce Brosnan, who was informed by one of his vital sources, discovered Kilmessan's plans to mobilise and sent a force of 500 men led by General Colm O'Rourke to set up a stronghold in Bective Manor. By 3pm, he could see the Kilmessian forces approaching. The Battle of Bective The Kilmessian forces consisted of men recruited from the Skanger clans Scobe Minor and Scobe Major. They were led down the narrow Bective road by Liam Cumley Tsarion, the town having been evacuated an hour before the Kilmessians arrived. The vanguard consisted of five elite Dunshaughlin soldiers including Yorudig Pk'lan, who were specifically commanded by Chayin Feoli. As the Bective Abbey came into sight, the Republican forces sprung their attack. Gunmen sprung from the roadside bushes and from Crocketts Bar & Lounge and opened fire. The Scobe warriors began trampling over each other attempting to reach the gunmen and did not notice the fifty Honda Civics barreling down the road from the direction of the Abbey towards them. Most Kilmessian casualties were sustained during this move, with 43 Scobe Major Barbarians, 125 Scobe Minor Kickers and four of the Dunshaughlin vanguard being wiped out. Chayin Feoli used his magic to stall the motors of the Civics but the brunt of the damage was already done. Cumley Tsarion, who had dived into the bushes to avoid the Honda Charge, ordered a retreat. The Battle of Kilcooly The Kilmessian forces attempted to go back down the road straight to Kilmessan, but a Navan cavalry charge from the east forced them to go over the Boyne. Another 51 were slain in the crossing. The remaining force made a final stand when they reached the farmland of Kilcooly. Hector Ó hEochagáin, who had travelled south from Robinstown, commanded the Navan forces for this phase of the conflict. Spazz Matticus had received word that there was a battle being held on his land, and he brought the entirety of his forces from Trim to deal with the issue, arriving at about 8pm. He achieved absolutely nothing and retreated when a Navan cavalryman accidentally fatally trampled one of his soldiers. The few Kilmessians remaining retreated further west to an abandoned barn which they held against the Republic for about five hours before a freshly repaired charge of Honda Civics burst through the door and opened fire on the thirty or so remaining skangers. It was during this siege that the Assassination of Hector Ó hEochagáin was conducted. Results The Kilmessians suffered massive losses during this battle, with 280 being killed in the fighting alone and an additional 100 dying of their wounds because Aaron Cumley didn't know you were meant to hospitalise soldiers. It led to the expansion of the Kilmessan Reserve Army For Old Pedos You're So Old Like What's Feckin Wrong 'i 'cha Man now that Kilmessan was open to directed siege from Kilcooly, which was annexed by the Navan Republic in response to Spazz Matticus' mediocre attempt of an offensive against them. Spazz Matticus went back home and smoked a lot of weed, forgetting the incident almost entirely. Gallery kilmessian conflict.png|An expertly crafted map of the conflict Category:Events Category:Wars Category:Battles Category:Navan Battles Category:Kilmessan Battles Category:Skanger Battles Category:Trim Battles Category:Battles in Ireland Category:Wars in Ireland